Uncomfortable? Look for the learning opportunity

I came across a TedX talk yesterday that made me uncomfortable. The talk was by Ashley Graham, and was titled “Plus size? More like my size“, and I expected some variation on the positive body image themes that I had heard in the past. The part that made me uncomfortable came right at the start, as she faced a full length mirror on stage and spoke to her reflection, ending with the statement “I love you.”

I tried to imagine saying that to myself, feeling like it should be easier as I have come to know myself and live this creative, authentically me, life as an artist. But I found myself hesitating, and the image in the mirror looked more like the uncertain 18 year old in my charcoal self portrait, hair pulled up into a bun and a man’s undershirt that spoke a different song to me as an adult than it did to my teenage rebellious self.

Now, years ago I had a very funny experience with inadvertently saying “I love you” to a friend at the end of a voice mail I was leaving. (In my defense, my husband had just walked up and I got distracted.) To this day we laugh about it, but acknowledge the truth of deeply appreciating the person we see before us when we say it. I’m more than okay with admitting a love for another person that is non-romantic but still rich and important. In fact, I believe it to be a wonderful thing, and to be encouraged.

However. Ahem. Saying that to myself, not as a balm to my ego but as an acknowledgement of appreciation of my soul and being? That made me uncomfortable. The artist in me perked up, asking “Why?” and “What if you did?” and “What would it take to feel okay saying that?”. My perspective shifted to looking from the mirror back at myself as I am today, after a life of choices, and lessons, and, well, living.

Then my cat brought me a half-dead mouse. I hadn’t realized that we even had any signs of one in the house, but the recent deep snowfall and drop in temperatures must have driven this one to find a way in, and Bunsen had caught it. Normally I would be happy to let my husband take care of such things, but this was the middle of the day and the last thing I wanted was for the poor thing to get away and die someplace we couldn’t get to it. My heart hammering, I found a way to get it away from the cat and toss it outside.

As my breathing quieted, I noticed that I still had it in me to deal with little crises like the mouse, so maybe I had more left in this creaky body than I give myself credit for. Maybe there were some things about myself that I would admire in anyone else. What if I said “I love you.” to that reflection? How would my life be different?